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Well, it's official. Tomorrow my 5 year old son will step over the threshold into his Grade 1 classroom. Gone are the days when I get to let him sleep in (thus procrastinating my wake up time). Gone are the days when I can steal an afternoon cuddle. Gone are the days when the only homework is to practise saying Carly's kangaroo is cute. I guess at some point you have to hope you have done a good job in their most formative years and hand them off (at least temporarily) to their teachers to continue teaching them all the stuff you've forgotten about in your adult years.

Anyway, amongst all the back to school shopping I got thinking about teachers. There's really all kinds and I've experienced everything from the kind that sits you in the front of the class for giving an ill-timed whoopee in the middle of fractions to the band teacher that you had a serious crush on in high school to the distinguished professor who you looked up to and drank beside in college. Here's a look at the teachers that Bollywood has offered to me so far.

Sushmita Sen - Chemistry teacher, Main Hoon Na
I think if all chemistry teachers looked like Sushmita, we'd have a lot of really stupid chemists in the world. This was the first movie I saw Sushmita in, and, while I don't think she solved a single problem on the blackboard, she sure had a lot of chemistry with an equally sizzling Shah Rukh.


Points:
Ability to mold young minds: 1/5 Unless we are talking about the "saree factor" lesson! Girls listen up, look like a lady to catch that guy with the greasy hair you secretly lust after.
Teaches by example: 0/5 Experiments and laboratories have no place in this teacher's world. I'm pretty sure she carried some books though.
Experiences life altering lesson from students: 0/5 None that I can recall unless it's okay to date students.
Hotness factor: 5/5 Like I said, Sushmita is over the top sexy in this film. I think even I would lose myself to daydreams in class.
Overall teaching score: 1/5
Do they give chemistry degrees at the school of "Next Top Model"? Sushmita's sex appeal, however, is enough to make anyone's "beaker" explode!


Shah Rukh Khan - music teacher, Mohabbatein
Raj Aryan Malhotra arrives at all boy school in hopes of changing the views of one very strong willed headmaster through corrupting the sex-starved minds and bodies of three young, very impressionable men.


Points:
Ability to mold young minds: 4/5 So minds are taught to love, not learn, but it's still molding no matter how you look at it.
Teaches by example: 2/5 Did anyone actually learn to play an instrument in this film? I saw Raj teaching I'm pretty sure, but the lesson inevitably lead to flashbacks or lessons on love.
Experiences life altering lesson from students: 0/5 I think if any lesson should have been passed on to Raj it should have been only love that which you can touch (though I imagine lusting after a ghost would result in lots of touching of another kind).
Hotness factor: 4/5 Well, the hair is perfect, the face is perfect, the body is perfect, but I want to take a whip to Shah's costume designer. Turtle necks and over the shoulder sweaters belong on the rich snobby type in the Hamptons on a cool fall day not on Shah ever! Karan if that was you, tsk tsk!!!
Overall teaching score: 3/5
Shah can teach me anything, anytime of any day as far as I'm concerned - I promise to be a very willing and open student!


Aamir Khan - art teacher, Taare Zameen Par
Admittedly, it's been a while since I saw this, but it was my very first Aamir Khan film and I remember it being a beautiful and especially heart warming film, though to be honest it's Darsheel Safary that gives the movie it's heart and soul. But what would a student be without a teacher?


Points:
Ability to mold young minds: 5/5 Molds minds young and old in this one.
Teaches by example: 5/5 Ram practises what he preaches for sure. Just don't follow his dancing skills.
Experiences life altering lesson from students: 0/5 I don't remember him learning anything. All the lessons were on the other end.
Hotness factor: 3/5 With his faux hawk, pointy ears and eyebrows, Ram is a peculiar looking man, but I still find him strangely attractive sometimes. I guess it's not all about looks sometimes.
Overall teaching score: 4/5
Ram Shankar Nikumbh is the quintessential teacher, modern in his thinking and approach to his students. He cares about the welfare of his students over all else. So he dresses like a weird troll-clown every once in a while. Everyone has their fetishes!


Boman Irani - college dean, 3 Idiots
The one thing I have to give credit to Boman for is he is a master character actor. He is just about perfect as the autocratic tyrannical Virus. Students either mock him or fear him and it feels just right.


Points:
Ability to mold young minds: 1/5 for perfecting the kiss ass
Teaches by example: 0/5 Unless the example is how to suck the life out of your students, literally
Experiences life altering lesson from students: 5/5 There's nothing that a handmade labour vacuum can't do!
Hotness factor: 1/5 I think sometimes power = sexy, so that's Virus' only point, though some could be into the tight little afro and chest high pants look!
Overall teaching score: 1/5
Virus' only salvation is that, like any good self-delusional teacher, he does experience a breakthrough it the end that could only be delivered by a lesson delivering man-boy.


Shahid Kapoor - dance instructor, Chance Pe Dance
Okay, so I'm really stretching it here, since Sameer just kind of ends up temporarily falling into a teaching position, but when all is said and done he does end up leave some impact upon his impressionable dance deprived youths, if only how to do a step ball change.


Points:
Ability to mold young minds: 2/5 You won't be made fun of if you do something well and in shiny clothing
Teaches by example: 5/5 If I wanted someone teaching me dance, it would probably be Shahid. He's got the moves for sure!
Experiences life altering lesson from students: 2/5 Nothing like helping a bunch of kids you initially hated to make you realize you need to reach for your dreams too. Think of them as little stepping stones on your way to stardom!
Hotness factor: 5/5 The hotness level is off the charts for Shahid in this film. It was really just a matter of time before the shirt came off and those delicious abs were on display in full view. mmmmmm.... excuse me while I cue up Pump it Up
Overall teaching score: 3/5
An awful high score for someone who didn't want to be a teacher in the first place. If Sameer was played by, oh let's say, Bobby Deol, it probably wouldn't have been so generous.


So to all the parents out there sending kids to school this week, I raise my glass and say thank god summer is over!!!